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yeah I really feel like I left my soul on the west coast

and I need to move back to reunite my mind and body with it, if that makes any sense.

that feeling? when you’re driving from Calgary to Vancouver and you’re just past Canmore with pretty waterfalls and snowy peaks even in summer and wild goats perched on the mountainsides like exotic birds? and the high altitude and natural beauty all around you is so stunning that you’re calmly euphoric and at peace at the same time?

I miss that a lot.

every day since I moved back to Montreal in 2001.

I am in love with giant cedars and natural hot springs and orcas and spending sunny afternoons wading through the ocean and tide pools peering curiously at tiny crabs and salt water fish and anemones, sea kayaking and slow pitch on the weekends. Just vibes with me.

I’ve fallen out of love with Quebec. The culture is ugly in Quebec.

You can keep your ugliness. I’m moving somewhere beautiful.

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Gastroparesis Awareness

Some context that may help others understand how painful gastroparesis is: Kurt Cobain suffered from gastroparesis so severe he killed himself because of the pain it caused him. Granted, he took a lot of opioids which contributed significantly to his stomach problems, but those with diabetes and pinched intestines etc suffer just as much. Very painful and sometimes debilitating problem, in my case at least almost certainly related to a damaged vagus nerve. It is manageable if I avoid alcohol, coffee, dairy, nightshade plants, glyphosate, sulfites, nitrates, and anything remotely dehydrating.

Coffee is the one food that trips me up the most because it’s, for me at least, more addictive than alcohol. Alcohol is easy peasy to quit and stay away from. Coffee, I’m like a lil fiend. I’ll learn to manage it eventually… despite some setbacks my health is improving, thankfully.

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no one ever tells you that coffee can make you very, very sick with as little as 4 cups of coffee

8 cups of coffee within a 48-hour window (4 cups per day) causes a complete shut down of my digestive system that makes me to vomit repeatedly every ~20 minutes for about 12 hours until my stomach and intestines are completely empty, I can’t even digest a teaspoon of water. And my head aches so much I start to wonder if it’s even worth living anymore. Which is usually preceded by sending angry emails to people who have hurt me in some way. Very emotional, the next day I mope around crying and sleeping it off. I lose 2-3 days of time being physically ill. Very vicious cycle.

There are no awareness campaigns about the very negative health consequences of drinking coffee.

Coffee is just as bad if not much worse than alcohol. Worse, because I don’t like drinking alcohol so it’s super easy to abstain from it. But coffee is normal to drink all day and is widely available, especially at work. So it’s kind of pushed on people in the workplace in a way alcohol most certainly isn’t.

So I have a difficult time moderating coffee intake. Which ties into a) migraines and b) trauma. And is usually triggered by being reminded of some traumatic childhood experience, I’m especially triggered by seeing Catholic nuns or Jesuit priests, or by close or admired friends who sympathize with the Catholic Church despite all the children they continue to brutalize to this day.

If I never see another Catholic for the rest of my life, that would be AMAZING.

So very grateful I have never touched hard drugs even once in my life. If I can’t handle caffeine lol I certainly can’t handle hard drugs and I am perfectly happy and comfortable with that.